Should we compare modern mothers with mothers of yesterdays?

Yesterday I came across a Whatsapp forward in Malayalam. I would like to brief it in simple, about its contents. The post definitely holds some nostalgic moments of yesterdays when I was a child, and the pleasantness of rural life way back in the 1980s and 1990s. The post simply glorified mothers of yesterdays who fought the whole day with house chore activities when less modern equipment was available. When the author compared old-age mother (perhaps his mother) with modern age mothers, he couldn’t find at least a single good thing about her (may be his wife). He felt that even while modern wife gets every comfort in kitchen, she complains about her hard work, and when he compared it with mothers a-generation old, he became restless and in frustration he wrote a post and posted in social media sites, indirectly blaming modern ladies to change those old norms and to replace old items with new, as if she has committed some sin.

Things have changed a lot in the past few decades

Let me start with my mother, who is my role model and her hard work has influenced and inspired me a lot to be fully dedicated towards work. She had only school education, got married at the age of 18 and I was born one year later. She belonged to a middle class agricultural family, and she had worked a lot in her childhood days looking after cows, drawing water from well, purchasing from shops when bus transport was not common in rural villages in the 1960s and 1970s. When she got married at a very young age, she continued with her hard working attitude, and started helping my father in family business. My father had just got into a new business and financial status was not sound when they started working together.

Now nearly four decades (Now she has reduced work and enjoying her retirement ages), she helped him in his business, kept full account of the transactions, and managed all female workers. Along with it she also worked as a regular labourer, adding her own efforts to the small scale industry. She wakes up daily at 6 am. Along with household activities, she needs to prepare lunch for employees for more than 2 decades. For those who stay at night, she prepares dinner as well. After completing household work, she works as a labourer along with other female workers, and manages their work as well. My father used to manage male workers, yet my mother used to keep account of wages, all financial transactions also. Due to family conditions, my father also couldn’t complete school studies, and they lived a very ordinary life.

Let me add, we purchased an electric water motor while I was studying in 7^th in the 1990s, got a telephone connection while I was doing graduation, and bought a refrigerator just before that. We purchased our first gas stove while I was doing graduation in the early 2000s, a few years after we constructed a new home. She had an old mixer, which we purchased while I was studying in 1^st standard or something. But she was so fond of mixer that she rarely uses it, fearing that frequent use will damage it. She used it only in emergency situations, and believe me, she used that second-hand mixer for more than 12 or 14 years, till we construct a new home.

Can you imagine, my mother manually grinded for curries, draw water from well for all activities and used wooden hearth to prepare food for 10-20 workers every day, single handed? In those days, rice is a staple food for dinner as well. As time passed by, business also grew, and number of workers may be above 30 during seasonal business. Yet she does all these processes as daily routines, and manually and that too, for many years. When I think about it now, it looks unbelievable. How she managed everything single handed, along with bringing up two kids? I am saying all these, because a reader should never feel that I am insulting mothers of yesterdays. That’s why I told about my mother first. Also, she is a working woman, not a housewife, who is still active in her late 50s.

Mothers of today are not bad as several males believe

All old-age mothers were not good and not all modern mothers bad, and it is not wise to draw a line to compare both, belonging to two or more generations. Me too is a ‘modern’ working woman, who doesn’t get enough time for self-entertainment, but assures my family members are happy and their needs are fulfilled. The post I read yesterday was so annoying. If it was a short post, I would have left it as a simple joke. But it was not so. It’s a post insulting womanhood, written by some male chauvinist. I even quarrelled with my dear friend who posted it, and he felt it bad when I told, he should never forward such stupid posts. Yet he was not willing to admit it was purely male chauvinist post, and I left it as such. After all we can’t change opinion of others, or control others, or force them to change opinion about us – ‘Modern women’.

Clearly it was a post written by a son with nostalgic memories who has only good words to say about mother, and not even a single good word about his better half, who is also a part of his family. That’s what I felt. I assumed that he might be a hard working person, and his wife is not working, and when he returns homes, gets frustrated when he see the relaxed mood of his wife, and started comparing her with his mother. Yes, our standard of living has increased very much in every field. Working men are also enjoying good transportation to office, works under ceiling fans or in an air conditioned room and gets whatever he needs in his fingertips. But why he is frustrated when modern wife also gets new technologies implemented in kitchen and work efforts have been lessened? Isn’t it hypocrisy? When such equipment can reduce manual effort and saves a lot of time, what is wrong with it? If he really feels that it’s bad or wrong, why does he purchase such things for kitchen? Think about a working woman. Now almost all Kerala women are educated and at least 50% women work, either at office or at home. I have not added the list of female labourers who toil the whole day under extreme hot conditions with less time to relax. A big salute to such great ladies! I can never be like you.

Just think, if she still uses ‘centuries-old’ methods of washing, grinding and cooking, can she reach office at time? If she is a labourer, her efforts multiplies many fold. If she is not punctual, will her officer allows it? She is also exposed to the same work pressure of her husband at work space. Along with it, she handles her family and children, and often bad words from in-laws and relatives, which may always try to prove her wrong. When she works, it’s not about selfishness, but for satisfaction and to financially support her family, even if her efforts are small. I still can’t figure out why, men often fail to compliment the efforts of a working woman. (But not all men are so. We can find 1000s in our society who support women and appreciate them, and happily, our society stands on their responsible shoulders) Even if she is not working, household work is not an easy task, and if kids are small, nothing more to say. She runs around them and spends most of the time in arranging things. Let me add, modern equipment can only make her work easy, but can’t substitute her, and do all work alone. Just imagine computers which have now reduced manual jobs very much in each and every field. Yet they can’t work alone. They need human brains to work behind them. Right? If we don’t blame computers for snatching away a few of those ‘nostalgic type writer moments’, why should we complaint about women?

If a kid is ill and he is admitted in hospital for a few days, who will take responsibility first? Definitely mother. Asking a question, whether she is working or not is pointless. It’s because looking after kids and family is her primary duty, that’s what almost every woman believes. Along with it, she prefers to carry her work accordingly, with the support of family.

Obesity is not exclusively reserved for woman

In that particular post, the point which hurt me very much is ‘Mothers of old generations are slim because they work hard and modern mothers are fat because of less manual efforts’. But if I go back to my childhood, most of the mothers I see around with age 30+ were fat (definitely it’s not body shaming purposefully, just I want to express my view), and modern working mothers are more health conscious and they look slim also (it is my observation only, may not match with your opinion). I think it was because whole time they sank in kitchen and charcoal with their tedious household activities, and no one really cared about her! So, after giving birth to two or three kids, she gave less attention to her body and beauty. But now women are giving more attention to body fitness and beauty, as in many cases, it gives positivity and self-confidence in her working atmosphere. Let me ask one thing. Is obesity exclusively reserved for modern mothers? Are men not overweighed, at the age of 35+? Then how can he blame only women?

Time is changing and so do we

Earlier we lived in a patriarchal system, with 100% male dominance. Women were less educated and not financially stable. There was no option left for them, except to accept both faults and virtues of her husband equally. But now time is changing and social life is also changing, and patriarch system is slowly disappearing. Let us accept women too are humans, not slaves, and they also truly deserve to enjoy everything which her counterpart deserves. When she is willing to take more responsibilities and support the family financially, why should you discourage her? Let her fly with her dream wings and at least try to give her full support so that she can touch new heights. A little appreciation and a lot of support, when she gets from her dear ones, she gives you much more than what you actually expect. In old days, only a few men were willing to hear about her ‘battles’ in kitchen. Now most men are willing to purchase necessary equipment, either it’s mixer or oven, gas stove or washing machine. I definitely see it as a positive approach from men, and of course, a great positive move which really changed the life of many women.

Living standards have increased manifold in the past few decades, and it’s easily visible on our spending. Kitchen equipment is not free of it. Time moves fast and let us move along with it, instead of blaming it. Remember, we don’t have any other choice, really, and can’t bring those old days back. There have been irresponsible mothers and fathers in older generations, and they will definitely repeat in coming generations too. So we don’t have any right to blame a particular generation, old or new, taking a few instances only. We have also seen with shock, mothers killing their kids in modern days. It has happened earlier too, and is bound to happen in future too. Nothing can escape the eyes of exceptions.

What changes have happened in the life of modern fathers?

In that particular post, the author glorified fathers a lot. He fixed modern fathers as persons who deserve sympathy from readers. He never told at least one bad word about them. Men are now more busy in changing status of Whatsapp and Facebook (equally applicable to females) and they spare less time and space for kids. Earlier he used to reach home early, and closely check what his children do. Are they studying or not? Are they improving in studies? Now he gives a lot of importance to social drinking, business tours etc. I am also against the opinion that fathers of older generations never helped mothers in kitchen. My father frequently tries recipes in kitchen, and helps mother if there is a special guest. Same is the case of my father-in-law who also makes delicious recipes. My brother too helps his wife in kitchen, as they have three kids to bring up, including twins.

Kids want to see friends in parents

We have seen irresponsible father, mother and kids in every generation. So it would be foolishness to blame modern kids who are not scared of parents, but more friendly towards them. Actually now kids want to see friends in their parents, with whom they can share their personal happiness and sorrows, and also openly express their personal opinions. A little caring, security feel and a little bit guidance – let them find what’s right and wrong. Kids of today are very smart and responsible as they learn a lot of things from what happening around, and they can easily understand things and respond as such, that’s my personal opinion. Yet wrong parenting can ruin everything.

Nowadays we witness a lot of crimes in society, and exposure to mobiles, internet and social media can give both good and bad results. If you are a good friend to your kid, he/she will openly tell you his problems, and in most cases, as a responsible parent you can bring your kid back. But if you still follow the old ‘classroom style’ or ‘helicopter’ parenting, you can never help him/her when he/she is in trouble, even if he/she is in front of your eyes.

Then tell me. Which is good? Strict parenting or friendly approach with the warmth of protection and belief? Earlier mother or kids have no words to say when father takes a decision. But now in many families, both are asked about their opinions, and I don’t find anything wrong with it. I see it as a good sign, and not a bad one. And who said, only a man can take 100% correct decision or only he has the right or privilege? Is it 100% sure, his decision making power is perfect and will work always?

For that person, replacing those nostagic moments of traditional grinding and washing and other kitchen activities with modern equipment is a sin conducted by women, while he doesn’t specify anything about new technology enjoyed by men and changes happened to him as well. If the author took his time to write something about those childhood days which we got and cherished, but our kids couldn’t get, it would have been a great post. I really wished so. If this post helps to change the mind set of at least one person towards woman, I am delighted. Thank u for reading. Please have a look at this article about old traditional kitchen of Kerala, which has already disappeared from scene.

Please note: I am not a feminist, who is biased towards woman. Personally I hate gender biasing and never advocate anything towards male or female. I would like to see people as humans, not as male or female and treat them equally, and never entertain others to make fun of men, because I have a lot of good friends, irrespective of gender. But this particular post was so disturbing that I thought to respond. Nothing else. Placing the screen shot of the original post below.